40, HIV+, White, Has used Crystal
From the time I was a young boy, religion was a very important part of my life. My father died when I was nine and I had absolutely no doubt that he had gone to heaven and took comfort in the fact that I would see him again. Around this time, I began having feelings for other boys.

I recall our parish priest preach that he could understand aid for homeless people, but aid for people with AIDS was taking things too far. He was basically saying that they were getting what they deserved and no one should try to help them.

When I was 19, I began to drink and drug to bury my feelings and prayed that God would me make straight. I gained a lot of weight and struggled for many years with a food addiction. For years afterwards, I had sex with men but could not stay in a relationship because I did not believe I was worthy of being loved. I had anonymous sex just to feel good, but I was so ashamed of my behavior that I compartmentalized my life. Guilt and shame were eating me up inside.

In my mid-30s, after having been sober for years, I picked up crystal meth for the first time and became addicted right away. Not only did it give me energy and a false sense of confidence, but I also lost weight and was the thinnest I had ever been. Over the next couple of years my life got progressively worse.  I contracted HIV, withdrew from friends and family, and left a great job. I was physically and spiritually bankrupt and suicidal.

Memories of my priest talking about people with AIDS haunted me. I had a lot of shame about my HIV and I started to believe what I had heard as a child.  Using meth made those feelings go away and seemed to be the only way to make life tolerable.

Luckily, I checked into a treatment facility where I was able to do a lot of soul searching. I've come to realize that religion is for people who do not want to go to hell and spirituality is for people who have already been there. Today I have been clean and sober for 18 months and I take my HIV medications regularly and consistently. I believe in a loving, nonjudgmental God who takes care of me each and every day.